Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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