i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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