we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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