I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
