I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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