Umm I'm too high to move.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
