ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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