theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
