i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
