We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
