Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
