So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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