Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
