I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
