My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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