Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
