covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I am available for nakedness
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
try to milk me bitch
Randomize