The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Randomize
