You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
