There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
