And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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