the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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