I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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