I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
