If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
