Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
