If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
