I was born with a shot glass in my hand
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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