These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
