I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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