Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
My liver just had a heart attack.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
