Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
