Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
