Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
