I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
