Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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