I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I touched a dick in church today
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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