Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
