If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
