i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
