Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
