By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
