"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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