There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
