I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
