so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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