So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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