I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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