How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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