HIV tests are more positive than that guy
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize