Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
