Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
