I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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