I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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