R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize