Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
