i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
