Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
