Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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