this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize